this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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