He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
