If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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