Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
