I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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