I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
