I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
