My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
