I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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