The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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