I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
