I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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