I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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