I hate your face
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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