i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Bring me that man meat
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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