id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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