I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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