I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
