I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
