Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
