totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
