I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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