oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
