You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
