I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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