She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
