I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
