I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
