the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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