if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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