I'm drive I can fine osifer
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
