I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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