You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you inspire me to be a worse person
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
