The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize