Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize