I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
