I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
