I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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