Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Do you still have your period?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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