Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
