Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
