I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
