Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
