I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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