I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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