Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
