I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
ugly people sure do ruin things
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
