Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
