well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
