now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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