I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
