It's like God shit irony all over that family
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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