Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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