Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
