Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
There's even glitter on my cock...
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