You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
