I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
