We're like a lot better than the average bears
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
