and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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